How To Successfully Raise Your Children
by Scott Basham, BibleSteak Contributor
As you see all the ways you can improve your parenting, don't feel overwhelmed - don't feel like you have to be the perfect parent. How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. This is the same - take it one change at a time. Don't seek perfection - seek improvement. You will see a difference in your children.
The focus is on 2 primary goals - drawing your child's heart to God, and drawing your child's heart to you. The parenting ideas presented here do not answer all questions that challenge parents, but if your child has a heart for God and for his or her parents, so many other parenting challenges become small. The ideas presented here will give you a foundation for solving the parenting challenges you face.
Note that the number one thing you can do to successfully raise your children is to pray for them. God will work in their lives in ways far beyond your influence or abilities. Determine where you want your children going, and pray every day for that. Pray also similar things for their future spouses, whether you know who that will be or not, even when they are young.
The ideas here are not the only way to be a successful parent. But, we believe what is here works, and if you follow them, you will be successful.
A successful parent works to keep their children's hearts open to them. Here are some ideas.
Allow them to tell you anything without penalty
Put them to bed every night, until they don't want it anymore. (We found they never want this to end.) On most nights (time permitting), ask them about their day. They become open at this time like no other. Make sure you are available when they need to talk.
Tell them "I love you" every day. Give each a hug every day.
Encourage them, tell them you have faith in them, compliment them.
Never say "you always..." Do not mock them where it hurts. Playful jesting is okay when it does not hurt. Be sensitive.
Love your spouse. Make it obvious to the children. Be careful how you argue - don't belittle your spouse when you are angry. Have fun with and enjoy your spouse.
When you punish them, make sure the punishment fits the crime. Sometimes your disdain is enough. Make sure they understand what the punishment is for, and what you expect different. Make sure you and your spouse agree; or at least, don't contradict your spouse when they are punishing. If the parents disagree, they should discuss it in private.
o Note on punishment - punishment is not to make them fear the consequences, but to teach them to make right choices because they are right. Therefore, when the consequences disappear, they still make the right choices. Teach them to obey, but teach them why you ask what you ask (when practical).
Don't be afraid to punish them. Be tough - punish them when needed.
Don't give them their wish all the time. Don't always buy things for them. Giving them their wish and buying things for them should be a privilege, not a right they demand.
Teach them to work.
Be sensitive to your children's needs. Notice when they are excited, are depressed, are angry, are hurt, etc. and be with them in those times.
If your child is grumpy, it's a red flag, and there is an opportunity for discussion. Ask them if their cup is full (Psalm 23:5). A full cup is a fulfilled child, and a not full cup is one in need.
Be a parent to your child when needed. Be their friend much of the time, but also be a parent.
Give your child the freedom, without penalty, to point out things you do that bother them or hurt them. Be open to discussing them. Yet, always require respect when they bring up an issue.
Allow them to close their door for private time, but also don't allow too much of this. Draw them out for fun stuff if they spend too much time there.
When you promise to do something with them, do it. Keep your word (James 5:12).
When you mess up, fess up. Admit you were wrong, and ask their forgiveness. Small wrongs, 'sorry' is okay, but big wrongs, specifically ask their forgiveness - and say it like you mean it.
Do not lie to them. Develop a habit so they trust what you say to them.
Create an atmosphere in your house where your children feel welcome and free to be who they are.
Be hospitable. Allow other children and families in your house without fuss.
Teach them to be unselfish, to give others the best when there is a choice.
Whenever you buy a gift for them, let them tell you how nice the gift is, while you tell them how nice they are.
Learn their primary love language (Words of Affirmation, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, Acts of Service, or Physical Touch). Make sure you love them all five ways, but remember to focus on loving them in what is their primary love language (not yours).
A successful parent works to keep their children's hearts open to God. Here are some ideas.
Love God. They won't unless you do. This requires spending time with Him.
Regularly attend church. It is difficult to draw them to God without it.
Take opportunities to show them God during the day. Make God part of your family. Show them God is with them all the time. (Occasionally is okay, just so it happens every once in a while.)
Be consistent but not rigid. If they need to do a lot of homework or have an important ball game they can miss church. But, don't make excuses. Be regular.
Pray at every meal.
Pray every time you put them to bed; eventually some nights let them do the prayer.
Teach them to respect both parents. Never talk bad about the other parent to them. If they are disrespectful, get serious and do not allow it.
Teach them to respect adults, elderly, and others in general. Don't make fun of others because they are different (overweight, skin color, sound of voice, facial features, personality, etc.).
Teach them to never ever lie. God is very clear that He hates lies (Proverbs 6:16-19). You hate it, too. Tell them if they admit when they are wrong, and tell the truth about it, the punishment will be far less than if they lie or hide the truth.
Draw lines, boundaries. Have rules (types of shows or music, time with video games or TV, curfew hours, no lying, do homework, speak with respect, wear modest clothes, not too much makeup, etc.). Children may not admit it, but they feel more loved and secure with good boundaries. (Balance boundaries with things that open their heart to you - see section II.)
Teach them right and wrong. Sin is not relative (Leviticus 19:2).
Don't let them see scary or evil or sexy movies. You be the judge, but make sure there is a line drawn.
Teach them to read the Bible regularly. (Ouch, that means you might have to also ? !).
Teach them to tithe.
Don't swear or curse, ever. Teach your children the same.
Don't drink. What you do in moderation your children will do in excess.
Be who you want your children to become. Don't do what you don't want them to do.
First, a comment about the Five Love Languages. You need to learn the primary love language of each child (Words of Affirmation, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, Acts of Service, or Physical Touch). This is the primary way they give love, and the primary way they want to receive love. Avoid focusing your love to them on what is your primary love language, but love them in what is their primary love language. But, every child needs to be loved in all 5 ways, so don't neglect the other 4 when you focus on the primary! Make sure you love them all five ways.
Before you look for changes to make, you need to know where the heart of your child is at now. Ask these questions to see how open your children's heart is. Notice their need to be loved in all five love languages.
Do they enjoy being with you?
Do we spend time together regularly?
Do they enjoy your hugs?
Do they ever initiate hugs to you?
Do they respect what I respect or value in life?
Do I respect what they respect or value in life?
Do we enjoy activities together?
Do they enjoy talking to you?
Can they share thoughts feelings with you?
Do you listen to them? Do you value what they say?
Do they have a warm affection for me?
You may have to deal with mistakes made over the years, and begin to open up your child's heart to you.
How to Reopen a Child's Heart
Be familiar with the items in the 'I. Their Heart for You' section. Determine what you need to change going forward.
Here are steps to reopen your children's heart, whether closed temporarily, or hardened over a period of time.
Become tenderhearted
Gentleness has a way of melting anger. Our body language must become soft, gentle, and caring. By doing this we are saying:
o They are valuable and important.
o I do not want their heart closed; I care for them.
o I know something is wrong, and I wish to correct it.
o I am willing to listen. It is safe to share why they are angry or hurt.
Increase understanding
Increase understanding of the pain they feel, and how they have interpreted my offensive behavior. Perception is reality.
It is important that they see you really understanding how they feel. It may take a "cooling off" period for both of you before they can open up.
Allow them to voice their pain. It may help to have their write a letter to you describing the pain.
Recognize the offense
Admit you were wrong. It may be that what you did was not wrong, but how you did it - your attitude was wrong. Don't brush off their hurt feelings because you feel they are too sensitive. Find out how and where you have hurt them.
Attempt to hug
They have a need to be loved and hugged.
This will show if their heart is opening or still closed. Hug, even if you have not regularly been a hugging parent with them.
Seek forgiveness
Determine how deep the hurt is. They may have to see a real change in you before they can forgive. Don't drop the issue.
Determine how you will improve in this area.
If needed, start over again with #1, and go through the steps again. Pay attention to non-verbal signals.
If needed, back off for a while and try again later.
Don't give up
They may think you are only doing this for a quick fix. They may not trust your motives. They need to know that you are doing it for the right reasons, and that you are going to be making this same effort over the long haul.
Here is an excerpt from the sermon titled "Father Knows Best - Parenting" (reference Psalm 128:1-4), given by Pastor Jim Henry, First Baptist Church of Orlando, around 1990.
"You gotta pay the price
Some things may have to go
Some social activities may have to go
A cocktail party at the country club may have to go
A card game with the girls may have to go
A man may have to say I'm not going out with the guys for this
I'm going to stay with my son
I'm not going to take that trip
I'll say no to that civic activity
I'm not going to do everything that the church says I could do
Because I'm going to take time and pay the price with my children
That's why I insist on our staff taking time
You won't see our staff at everything here
and you won't see me at everything here
And I'm going to tell you why
Because we have families
And I want them to take time with their families
If we gain the whole world and lost our children, it's not worth it
Time!
Pay the price with time
You gotta think about it
But it's worth it."
A successful parent spends time with their children. Here are some ideas.
Each parent should regularly date each child separately. Date ideas: bicycle ride, dinner, bowling, walks (neighborhood, malls, parks, Lake Eola), go-carts, museums, ball games (e.g. high school), game night, etc. Avoid movies - this is time for them.
Eat dinner together as a family as often as you can. All of you.
Regularly have a family fun night. All of you.
Have fun together. Wrestle, make up dumb games, read jokes, be playful.
Share in the chores or work. Allow some things to not be done exactly right or quickly (e.g. allow your boy to edge the grass, or your daughter to cook the dinner).
Give your spouse personal breaks from the kids. Allow your spouse to have their own time, even occasionally (once a year?) for a weekend or so. Dads, allow your wife to go out on occasion for the evening. Give them breaks. Change the diapers. Put them to bed. Bathe them. Be a part of all aspects of raising your children.
Take some couch time together (around 15 minutes) away from the kids, or at least with minimal distractions, every day.
Quality time? Important, but more so they need quantity time - lots of it. This requires a huge sacrifice, but the dividends it pays are huge. When they want you and need you, spend time with them. This will require you to give up much during those years of need. Note that Dr. James Dobson's dad gave up a traveling ministry to spend time with James during his teen years, and his career never was the same, but the rewards were far greater. When your child says, Mom, Dad, would you...?, most of the time say yes.
When they ask for something, sometimes delay giving it to them, to teach them to wait.
Find healthy hobbies or sports for them. Restrict time on TV and video games. But, allow some time - it's all about balance.
Teach them to read. Read with them. You can make it fun - get drinks, blankets, etc.
Allow them to have some personal money, either through chores or allowance. Teach them to spend wisely, but allow some frivolous spending.
If practical, work it out so the mother does not have to work, and can stay at home. Or optionally, she can work part-time.
Encourage your children to have friends. If you disapprove of your children's friends, make the tough choice and don't allow them to be together. It's obviously easier to break a friendship earlier rather than later.
Spend time with non-immediate family, and with neighbors.
Allow your children to lose. Allow competition to result in a winner and a loser.
Let your children make decisions. Teach them to think, to have common sense. Allow them to fail. Yet, always encourage them. (Don't say "I told you so".)
If they are wrong, get them to admit it.
If someone else (e.g. teacher) points out a problem with your child's behavior, accept it and deal with it - don't make excuses for it.
Encourage your children to grow in what they are good at. Allow them to not be good at things they are not good at. Push your child to learn and grow in new areas, but avoid too much pressure to do and be more than they are capable of. Recognize their strengths and limits.
Balance eating healthy food with some junk food. Junk food should not be a major part of their diet. Some is okay, but it should be in small amounts, and not regular.
Develop family traditions, things the kids will remember.
Running out of ideas of fun things you can do with your children? Consider these. See how many of these you can do this year!
Creativity
1. Building, with blocks, Legos, Kinex
2. Cardboard box cities
3. Model rockets
4. Drawing, painting
5. I Spy, word or name games
6. Make masks
7. Mobiles
8. Model cars
9. Model planes
10. Film a fictional movie
11. Paper airplanes
12. Model ships
13. Make up stories
14. Painting
15. Sidewalk Chalk
16. Whittling
17. Act out a Bible story
18. Make Musical Instruments
19. Oregami
20. Poetry
21. Beads
22. Draw a comic book
23. Candlemaking
24. Make and use puppets
25. Make your own music CD
Activities
26. Bicycling
27. Bowling
28. Checkers, chess, card games, board games
29. Cooking (jello, cookies, marshmallow rice krispy cakes, etc.)
30. Play catch
31. Putt-putt golf
32. Play in the rain
33. Beach sand sculptures
34. Dot to Dot Duels, other pencil games
35. Exercise
36. Feeding birds
37. Fishing
38. Astronomy
39. Birding
40. Bugs
41. Collecting
42. Sports, like Frisbee, kickball
43. Gardening
44. Hiking
45. Picnic
46. Camping
47. Skating
48. Wrestling, horsie rides
49. Kite Flying
50. Orienteering
51. Ping Pong
52. Puzzles
53. Reading
54. Rock Tumbling, Grinding, Polishing
55. Soap Bubbles
56. Soccer
57. Swimming
58. Train Watching
59. Badminton
60. Walking
61. Washing the Car
62. Send postcards
Places to go
63. Airports
64. Art Museums
65. Science Museums
66. Library
67. Zoo
68. Nature parks
69. Theme parks
Here are some Bible references to look up regarding children, to see in more depth what God has to say about them.
1. Deuteronomy 4:9 - "Only take heed to yourself, and diligently keep yourself, lest you forget the things your eyes have seen, and lest they depart from your heart all the days of your life. And teach them to your children and your grandchildren"
2. Deuteronomy 5:16 - 'Honor your father and your mother, as the LORD your God has commanded you, that your days may be long, and that it may be well with you in the land which the LORD your God is giving you."
3. Deuteronomy 6:6-9 - "And these words which I command you today shall be in your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates."
4. Deuteronomy 11:18-21 - "Therefore you shall lay up these words of mine in your heart and in your soul, and bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes.
"You shall teach them to your children, speaking of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up.
"And you shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates,
"that your days and the days of your children may be multiplied in the land of which the LORD swore to your fathers to give them, like the days of the heavens above the earth."
5. Deuteronomy 12:28 - "Observe and obey all these words which I command you, that it may go well with you and your children after you forever, when you do what is good and right in the sight of the LORD your God."
6. Psalms 78:2-8 - "I will open my mouth in a parable; I will utter dark sayings of old,
Which we have heard and known, And our fathers have told us.
We will not hide them from their children, Telling to the generation to come the praises of the LORD, And His strength and His wonderful works that He has done.
For He established a testimony in Jacob, And appointed a law in Israel, Which He commanded our fathers, That they should make them known to their children;
That the generation to come might know them, The children who would be born, That they may arise and declare them to their children,
That they may set their hope in God, And not forget the works of God, But keep His commandments;
And may not be like their fathers, A stubborn and rebellious generation, A generation that did not set its heart aright, And whose spirit was not faithful to God."
7. Psalms 103:17 - "But the mercy of the LORD is from everlasting to everlasting On those who fear Him, And His righteousness to children's children"
8. Psalms 127:3-5 - "Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, The fruit of the womb is a reward.
Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, So are the children of one's youth.
Happy is the man who has his quiver full of them; They shall not be ashamed, But shall speak with their enemies in the gate."
9. Proverbs 4:1,3-4 - "Hear, my children, the instruction of a father, And give attention to know understanding;
When I was my father's son, Tender and the only one in the sight of my mother,
He also taught me, and said to me: "Let your heart retain my words; Keep my commands, and live."
10. Proverbs 10:1 - "A wise son makes a glad father, But a foolish son is the grief of his mother."
11. Proverbs 13:1 - "A wise son heeds his father's instruction, But a scoffer does not listen to rebuke."
12. Proverbs 13:22 - "A good man leaves an inheritance to his children's children, But the wealth of the sinner is stored up for the righteous."
13. Proverbs 13:24 - "He who spares his rod hates his son, But he who loves him disciplines him promptly."
14. Proverbs 15:5 - "A fool despises his father's instruction, But he who receives correction is prudent."
15. Proverbs 15:20 - "A wise son makes a father glad, But a foolish man despises his mother."
16. Proverbs 17:6 - "Children's children are the crown of old men, And the glory of children is their father."
17. Proverbs 17:25 - "A foolish son is a grief to his father, And bitterness to her who bore him."
18. Proverbs 19:18 - "Chasten your son while there is hope, And do not set your heart on his destruction."
19. Proverbs 20:7 - "The righteous man walks in his integrity; His children are blessed after him."
20. Proverbs 20:11 - "Even a child is known by his deeds, Whether what he does is pure and right."
21. Proverbs 22:6 - "Train up a child in the way he should go, And when he is old he will not depart from it."
22. Proverbs 22:15 - "Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child; The rod of correction will drive it far from him."
23. Proverbs 23:13-14 - "Do not withhold correction from a child, For if you beat him with a rod, he will not die. You shall beat him with a rod, And deliver his soul from hell."
24. Proverbs 29:15,17 - "The rod and rebuke give wisdom, But a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.
Correct your son, and he will give you rest; Yes, he will give delight to your soul."
25. Isaiah 3:5 - "The people will be oppressed, Every one by another and every one by his neighbor; The child will be insolent toward the elder, And the base toward the honorable."
26. Isaiah 54:13 - "All your children shall be taught by the LORD, And great shall be the peace of your children."
27. Joel 1:2-3 - "Hear this, you elders, And give ear, all you inhabitants of the land! Has anything like this happened in your days, Or even in the days of your fathers? Tell your children about it, Let your children tell their children, And their children another generation."
28. Matthew 18:2-6,10 - "Then Jesus called a little child to Him, set him in the midst of them, and said, "Assuredly, I say to you, unless you are converted and become as little children, you will by no means enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore whoever humbles himself as this little child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. Whoever receives one little child like this in My name receives Me. But whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to sin, it would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck, and he were drowned in the depth of the sea.
Take heed that you do not despise one of these little ones, for I say to you that in heaven their angels always see the face of My Father who is in heaven."
29. Matthew 21:15-16 - "But when the chief priests and scribes saw the wonderful things that He did, and the children crying out in the temple and saying, "Hosanna to the Son of David!" they were indignant and said to Him, "Do You hear what these are saying?" And Jesus said to them, "Yes. Have you never read, 'Out of the mouth of babes and nursing infants You have perfected praise'?""
30. Mark 10:13-16 - "Then they brought little children to Him, that He might touch them; but the disciples rebuked those who brought them. But when Jesus saw it, He was greatly displeased and said to them, "Let the little children come to Me, and do not forbid them; for of such is the kingdom of God. Assuredly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God as a little child will by no means enter it." And He took them up in His arms, put His hands on them, and blessed them."
31. Luke 2:51 - "Then He went down with them and came to Nazareth, and was subject to them, but His mother kept all these things in her heart."
32. 1 Corinthians 13:11 - "When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things."
33. 1 Corinthians 14:20 - "Brethren, do not be children in understanding; however, in malice be babes, but in understanding be mature."
34. Ephesians 6:1-3 - "Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and mother, which is the first commandment with promise: that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth."
35. Ephesians 6:4 - "And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord."
36. Colossians 3:20-21 - "Children, obey your parents in all things, for this is well pleasing to the Lord. Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged."
37. 1 Timothy 3:2,4-5 - "A bishop then must be blameless, the husband of one wife, temperate, sober-minded, of good behavior, hospitable, able to teach; ... one who rules his own house well, having his children in submission with all reverence (for if a man does not know how to rule his own house, how will he take care of the church of God?)" (see also Titus 1:5-6)
VII. But What About...?
There are some situations that make it tougher to do what's right for your children.
Q. What if my spouse and I disagree on critical issues with our children?
A. There are several options. First, seek godly counsel. That might help you to come to an agreement. But, many times one parent isn't interested in hearing the advice of others, or one parent is unwilling to bend (make sure you aren't that one!). Then, do what is right. Talk to your spouse about what you want to do (e.g. take them to church), and get permission to do it, even if you do it on your own. The choices may be opposing, and you have to make the difficult choice to do what is right. Some spouses are just apathetic - they allow you to do what's right, but won't help. You then have to make the tough sacrifice and do the hard work. If your spouse is unwilling to bend or hear counsel, seek counsel yourself. And always seeks God's counsel and help.
Q. What if I am a single parent, or married to someone other than their other parent?
A. This typically results in the parents of the children using different methods to raise the children. Try to discuss methods with your ex, and if they are willing to work with you, great. If not, do what is right, pray regularly about it, and seek counsel if needed.
Here is a collection of final comments and thoughts.
You can be the perfect parent, but your child may still make wrong choices. Children ultimately need to make their own choices, in the same way that we do, in the battle between sin and righteousness. All of us are susceptible to sin. But, your parenting will have a strong influence on the decisions they make.
If you capture your child's heart, for you and for God, the child is away from you, nothing is different. They will make the same choices whether you are present or not.
Children will do anything in the world for you, because you are their parent. That's how God made them. Remember you are their hero - be worthy.
If you give them a lovely idea of themselves, that's what they will try to become. They will move up or down, depending on the image you give them. Repetition on TV works - so will this.
Put them at ease about their weaknesses; build up their strong points; and reach that high level of kindness which says to them you love them regardless.
Sad are the children whose parents are too weak, too careless, too preoccupied, too much at the office, or too something else to be the strong and loving leaders of their children.
There are not many questions more important than this: "Am I willing to train myself away from selfishness toward being the kind of parent I need to be?"
Remember that the number one thing you can do for yourselves and for your children is to pray. Ask God every day to draw them close to Him. Ask God to work on their heart for Him, their heart for you, and their character. This will be the #1 factor in their success, and possibly the #1 factor, if missing, in their struggles.
May God give you the strength to make the changes you need to make, and may God give you the grace to be the parent you want to be
We all want one day to look at our children with pride in who they are. They need to make good decisions, for they battle with temptations to sin just as much as we all do. But, much of who they are, they are from their parents. We all want to be successful parents, to have successfully raised our children.
As we look at ways you can be better parents, you need to come to the realization that, to make progress, there are changes you need to make. But change is hard! How many people want to lose weight, yet don't make changes to lose the weight? Can you look in the mirror and say "Here's where the change begins!"?
Here's an example of a successful parent. Jimmy Jessup, when asked in college to write a paper on the subject "Why I am the way I am", wrote:
I watched my father pretty closely as I was growing up. Like most young boys, I wanted to be just like Dad. I was one of the lucky ones, though, in that I had a dad worth patterning my life after. To me, he is a great man - not because of his success in ministry, but because of his ability to keep Christ as the focus in all that he does. At work, at home, and on vacation, I never saw him set Christ aside. I am the way I am because I see in him a life that is worth trying to repeat.
As you see all the ways you can improve your parenting, don't feel overwhelmed - don't feel like you have to be the perfect parent. How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. This is the same - take it one change at a time. Don't seek perfection - seek improvement. You will see a difference in your children.
The focus is on 2 primary goals - drawing your child's heart to God, and drawing your child's heart to you. The parenting ideas presented here do not answer all questions that challenge parents, but if your child has a heart for God and for his or her parents, so many other parenting challenges become small. The ideas presented here will give you a foundation for solving the parenting challenges you face.
Note that the number one thing you can do to successfully raise your children is to pray for them. God will work in their lives in ways far beyond your influence or abilities. Determine where you want your children going, and pray every day for that. Pray also similar things for their future spouses, whether you know who that will be or not, even when they are young.
The ideas here are not the only way to be a successful parent. But, we believe what is here works, and if you follow them, you will be successful.
I. Their Heart for You
A successful parent works to keep their children's hearts open to them. Here are some ideas.
o Note on punishment - punishment is not to make them fear the consequences, but to teach them to make right choices because they are right. Therefore, when the consequences disappear, they still make the right choices. Teach them to obey, but teach them why you ask what you ask (when practical).
II. Their Heart for God
A successful parent works to keep their children's hearts open to God. Here are some ideas.
III. How Open is Your Child's Heart?
First, a comment about the Five Love Languages. You need to learn the primary love language of each child (Words of Affirmation, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, Acts of Service, or Physical Touch). This is the primary way they give love, and the primary way they want to receive love. Avoid focusing your love to them on what is your primary love language, but love them in what is their primary love language. But, every child needs to be loved in all 5 ways, so don't neglect the other 4 when you focus on the primary! Make sure you love them all five ways.
Before you look for changes to make, you need to know where the heart of your child is at now. Ask these questions to see how open your children's heart is. Notice their need to be loved in all five love languages.
You may have to deal with mistakes made over the years, and begin to open up your child's heart to you.
How to Reopen a Child's Heart
Be familiar with the items in the 'I. Their Heart for You' section. Determine what you need to change going forward.
Here are steps to reopen your children's heart, whether closed temporarily, or hardened over a period of time.
Gentleness has a way of melting anger. Our body language must become soft, gentle, and caring. By doing this we are saying:
o They are valuable and important.
o I do not want their heart closed; I care for them.
o I know something is wrong, and I wish to correct it.
o I am willing to listen. It is safe to share why they are angry or hurt.
Increase understanding of the pain they feel, and how they have interpreted my offensive behavior. Perception is reality.
It is important that they see you really understanding how they feel. It may take a "cooling off" period for both of you before they can open up.
Allow them to voice their pain. It may help to have their write a letter to you describing the pain.
Admit you were wrong. It may be that what you did was not wrong, but how you did it - your attitude was wrong. Don't brush off their hurt feelings because you feel they are too sensitive. Find out how and where you have hurt them.
They have a need to be loved and hugged.
This will show if their heart is opening or still closed. Hug, even if you have not regularly been a hugging parent with them.
Determine how deep the hurt is. They may have to see a real change in you before they can forgive. Don't drop the issue.
Determine how you will improve in this area.
If needed, start over again with #1, and go through the steps again. Pay attention to non-verbal signals.
If needed, back off for a while and try again later.
They may think you are only doing this for a quick fix. They may not trust your motives. They need to know that you are doing it for the right reasons, and that you are going to be making this same effort over the long haul.
IV. Time With Them
Here is an excerpt from the sermon titled "Father Knows Best - Parenting" (reference Psalm 128:1-4), given by Pastor Jim Henry, First Baptist Church of Orlando, around 1990.
"You gotta pay the price
Some things may have to go
Some social activities may have to go
A cocktail party at the country club may have to go
A card game with the girls may have to go
A man may have to say I'm not going out with the guys for this
I'm going to stay with my son
I'm not going to take that trip
I'll say no to that civic activity
I'm not going to do everything that the church says I could do
Because I'm going to take time and pay the price with my children
That's why I insist on our staff taking time
You won't see our staff at everything here
and you won't see me at everything here
And I'm going to tell you why
Because we have families
And I want them to take time with their families
If we gain the whole world and lost our children, it's not worth it
Time!
Pay the price with time
You gotta think about it
But it's worth it."
A successful parent spends time with their children. Here are some ideas.
V. Fun Things To Do With Your Children
Running out of ideas of fun things you can do with your children? Consider these. See how many of these you can do this year!
Creativity
1. Building, with blocks, Legos, Kinex
2. Cardboard box cities
3. Model rockets
4. Drawing, painting
5. I Spy, word or name games
6. Make masks
7. Mobiles
8. Model cars
9. Model planes
10. Film a fictional movie
11. Paper airplanes
12. Model ships
13. Make up stories
14. Painting
15. Sidewalk Chalk
16. Whittling
17. Act out a Bible story
18. Make Musical Instruments
19. Oregami
20. Poetry
21. Beads
22. Draw a comic book
23. Candlemaking
24. Make and use puppets
25. Make your own music CD
Activities
26. Bicycling
27. Bowling
28. Checkers, chess, card games, board games
29. Cooking (jello, cookies, marshmallow rice krispy cakes, etc.)
30. Play catch
31. Putt-putt golf
32. Play in the rain
33. Beach sand sculptures
34. Dot to Dot Duels, other pencil games
35. Exercise
36. Feeding birds
37. Fishing
38. Astronomy
39. Birding
40. Bugs
41. Collecting
42. Sports, like Frisbee, kickball
43. Gardening
44. Hiking
45. Picnic
46. Camping
47. Skating
48. Wrestling, horsie rides
49. Kite Flying
50. Orienteering
51. Ping Pong
52. Puzzles
53. Reading
54. Rock Tumbling, Grinding, Polishing
55. Soap Bubbles
56. Soccer
57. Swimming
58. Train Watching
59. Badminton
60. Walking
61. Washing the Car
62. Send postcards
Places to go
63. Airports
64. Art Museums
65. Science Museums
66. Library
67. Zoo
68. Nature parks
69. Theme parks
VI. Scripture Related to Children
Here are some Bible references to look up regarding children, to see in more depth what God has to say about them.
1. Deuteronomy 4:9 - "Only take heed to yourself, and diligently keep yourself, lest you forget the things your eyes have seen, and lest they depart from your heart all the days of your life. And teach them to your children and your grandchildren"
2. Deuteronomy 5:16 - 'Honor your father and your mother, as the LORD your God has commanded you, that your days may be long, and that it may be well with you in the land which the LORD your God is giving you."
3. Deuteronomy 6:6-9 - "And these words which I command you today shall be in your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates."
4. Deuteronomy 11:18-21 - "Therefore you shall lay up these words of mine in your heart and in your soul, and bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes.
"You shall teach them to your children, speaking of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up.
"And you shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates,
"that your days and the days of your children may be multiplied in the land of which the LORD swore to your fathers to give them, like the days of the heavens above the earth."
5. Deuteronomy 12:28 - "Observe and obey all these words which I command you, that it may go well with you and your children after you forever, when you do what is good and right in the sight of the LORD your God."
6. Psalms 78:2-8 - "I will open my mouth in a parable; I will utter dark sayings of old,
Which we have heard and known, And our fathers have told us.
We will not hide them from their children, Telling to the generation to come the praises of the LORD, And His strength and His wonderful works that He has done.
For He established a testimony in Jacob, And appointed a law in Israel, Which He commanded our fathers, That they should make them known to their children;
That the generation to come might know them, The children who would be born, That they may arise and declare them to their children,
That they may set their hope in God, And not forget the works of God, But keep His commandments;
And may not be like their fathers, A stubborn and rebellious generation, A generation that did not set its heart aright, And whose spirit was not faithful to God."
7. Psalms 103:17 - "But the mercy of the LORD is from everlasting to everlasting On those who fear Him, And His righteousness to children's children"
8. Psalms 127:3-5 - "Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, The fruit of the womb is a reward.
Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, So are the children of one's youth.
Happy is the man who has his quiver full of them; They shall not be ashamed, But shall speak with their enemies in the gate."
9. Proverbs 4:1,3-4 - "Hear, my children, the instruction of a father, And give attention to know understanding;
When I was my father's son, Tender and the only one in the sight of my mother,
He also taught me, and said to me: "Let your heart retain my words; Keep my commands, and live."
10. Proverbs 10:1 - "A wise son makes a glad father, But a foolish son is the grief of his mother."
11. Proverbs 13:1 - "A wise son heeds his father's instruction, But a scoffer does not listen to rebuke."
12. Proverbs 13:22 - "A good man leaves an inheritance to his children's children, But the wealth of the sinner is stored up for the righteous."
13. Proverbs 13:24 - "He who spares his rod hates his son, But he who loves him disciplines him promptly."
14. Proverbs 15:5 - "A fool despises his father's instruction, But he who receives correction is prudent."
15. Proverbs 15:20 - "A wise son makes a father glad, But a foolish man despises his mother."
16. Proverbs 17:6 - "Children's children are the crown of old men, And the glory of children is their father."
17. Proverbs 17:25 - "A foolish son is a grief to his father, And bitterness to her who bore him."
18. Proverbs 19:18 - "Chasten your son while there is hope, And do not set your heart on his destruction."
19. Proverbs 20:7 - "The righteous man walks in his integrity; His children are blessed after him."
20. Proverbs 20:11 - "Even a child is known by his deeds, Whether what he does is pure and right."
21. Proverbs 22:6 - "Train up a child in the way he should go, And when he is old he will not depart from it."
22. Proverbs 22:15 - "Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child; The rod of correction will drive it far from him."
23. Proverbs 23:13-14 - "Do not withhold correction from a child, For if you beat him with a rod, he will not die. You shall beat him with a rod, And deliver his soul from hell."
24. Proverbs 29:15,17 - "The rod and rebuke give wisdom, But a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.
Correct your son, and he will give you rest; Yes, he will give delight to your soul."
25. Isaiah 3:5 - "The people will be oppressed, Every one by another and every one by his neighbor; The child will be insolent toward the elder, And the base toward the honorable."
26. Isaiah 54:13 - "All your children shall be taught by the LORD, And great shall be the peace of your children."
27. Joel 1:2-3 - "Hear this, you elders, And give ear, all you inhabitants of the land! Has anything like this happened in your days, Or even in the days of your fathers? Tell your children about it, Let your children tell their children, And their children another generation."
28. Matthew 18:2-6,10 - "Then Jesus called a little child to Him, set him in the midst of them, and said, "Assuredly, I say to you, unless you are converted and become as little children, you will by no means enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore whoever humbles himself as this little child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. Whoever receives one little child like this in My name receives Me. But whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to sin, it would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck, and he were drowned in the depth of the sea.
Take heed that you do not despise one of these little ones, for I say to you that in heaven their angels always see the face of My Father who is in heaven."
29. Matthew 21:15-16 - "But when the chief priests and scribes saw the wonderful things that He did, and the children crying out in the temple and saying, "Hosanna to the Son of David!" they were indignant and said to Him, "Do You hear what these are saying?" And Jesus said to them, "Yes. Have you never read, 'Out of the mouth of babes and nursing infants You have perfected praise'?""
30. Mark 10:13-16 - "Then they brought little children to Him, that He might touch them; but the disciples rebuked those who brought them. But when Jesus saw it, He was greatly displeased and said to them, "Let the little children come to Me, and do not forbid them; for of such is the kingdom of God. Assuredly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God as a little child will by no means enter it." And He took them up in His arms, put His hands on them, and blessed them."
31. Luke 2:51 - "Then He went down with them and came to Nazareth, and was subject to them, but His mother kept all these things in her heart."
32. 1 Corinthians 13:11 - "When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things."
33. 1 Corinthians 14:20 - "Brethren, do not be children in understanding; however, in malice be babes, but in understanding be mature."
34. Ephesians 6:1-3 - "Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and mother, which is the first commandment with promise: that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth."
35. Ephesians 6:4 - "And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord."
36. Colossians 3:20-21 - "Children, obey your parents in all things, for this is well pleasing to the Lord. Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged."
37. 1 Timothy 3:2,4-5 - "A bishop then must be blameless, the husband of one wife, temperate, sober-minded, of good behavior, hospitable, able to teach; ... one who rules his own house well, having his children in submission with all reverence (for if a man does not know how to rule his own house, how will he take care of the church of God?)" (see also Titus 1:5-6)
VII. But What About...?
There are some situations that make it tougher to do what's right for your children.
Q. What if my spouse and I disagree on critical issues with our children?
A. There are several options. First, seek godly counsel. That might help you to come to an agreement. But, many times one parent isn't interested in hearing the advice of others, or one parent is unwilling to bend (make sure you aren't that one!). Then, do what is right. Talk to your spouse about what you want to do (e.g. take them to church), and get permission to do it, even if you do it on your own. The choices may be opposing, and you have to make the difficult choice to do what is right. Some spouses are just apathetic - they allow you to do what's right, but won't help. You then have to make the tough sacrifice and do the hard work. If your spouse is unwilling to bend or hear counsel, seek counsel yourself. And always seeks God's counsel and help.
Q. What if I am a single parent, or married to someone other than their other parent?
A. This typically results in the parents of the children using different methods to raise the children. Try to discuss methods with your ex, and if they are willing to work with you, great. If not, do what is right, pray regularly about it, and seek counsel if needed.
VIII. Final Thoughts
Here is a collection of final comments and thoughts.
You can be the perfect parent, but your child may still make wrong choices. Children ultimately need to make their own choices, in the same way that we do, in the battle between sin and righteousness. All of us are susceptible to sin. But, your parenting will have a strong influence on the decisions they make.
If you capture your child's heart, for you and for God, the child is away from you, nothing is different. They will make the same choices whether you are present or not.
Children will do anything in the world for you, because you are their parent. That's how God made them. Remember you are their hero - be worthy.
If you give them a lovely idea of themselves, that's what they will try to become. They will move up or down, depending on the image you give them. Repetition on TV works - so will this.
Put them at ease about their weaknesses; build up their strong points; and reach that high level of kindness which says to them you love them regardless.
Sad are the children whose parents are too weak, too careless, too preoccupied, too much at the office, or too something else to be the strong and loving leaders of their children.
There are not many questions more important than this: "Am I willing to train myself away from selfishness toward being the kind of parent I need to be?"
Remember that the number one thing you can do for yourselves and for your children is to pray. Ask God every day to draw them close to Him. Ask God to work on their heart for Him, their heart for you, and their character. This will be the #1 factor in their success, and possibly the #1 factor, if missing, in their struggles.
May God give you the strength to make the changes you need to make, and may God give you the grace to be the parent you want to be